Week 10 - Finally Some Tears

Everyone says grief has its own time table and you never know when it will hit. It hit on Tuesday. Finally.

I was 3.5 hours into a 4 hour zoom on our F&A project when I realized that Rosie was sleeping on the pillow on the file crate under my desk that was still there from when I was elevating after my foot surgery. While feeling good about her wanting to be so close to me, I headed to the bathroom. When Goodie came charging in because she wanted me to run the faucet in the tub, I realized Hazel wouldn't be coming in too and the tears started. I knew it was going to be bad but splashed water on my face and went back to the zoom, crying with the camera off and sound muted. I made it to the end and then completely lost it. I was sobbing in my chair and continued for the next hour. When I went back to my computer to finish my work day, it was with burning eyes and a fuzzy head.

I cried more over the course of the afternoon and evening but hopefully the numbness left with the tears. I had a quiet evening of knitting while watching knitting YouTubes but I could tell I'd be fragile for a bit yet. Better fragile than numb.

I'd worked on campus on Monday and was pretty much all alone in the office but had a lovely chat with Layton. As usual, I'd packed in stuff on Wednesday so had lunch with Lana, Cindy and Erica at Bison Witches and a movie after work - The Zone of Interest. Odd movie but worth seeing. Anyway, the fragility was still there because after making a snarky comment to Brook during our team meeting, I apologized to him after lunch and was instantly in tears. Of course he hadn't even registered the snark so I guess my apology wasn't necessary. It begs the question - why do men rule the world? So clueless.

I was presenting at BCUG (Business Community Users Group) on Thursday morning and was ridiculously nervous for being on a zoom talking about something I know like the back of my hand. Fragility again? I got my favorite grab & go lunch then did some mad neatizing after work and baked a banana cake for the birthday dinner I was hosting on Friday for Andrea and Lori.

Their birthdays are a week apart and we usually celebrate one night between them at BW's in Ashland but Andrea was going out of town so we were doing it sooner. Lori had made a hair appointment in Wahoo so it was Chinese at my house, which is the only local option for a vegan (Lori) and a devout Catholic (Andrea) on a Friday during Lent. I used 2 stray vacation hours (I like my vacation bank to be in full days) so was off work at 3:00. After I did some final cleaning, they arrived at 4:00. We knitted and chatted then enjoyed dinner and cake. My gift got a squeal out of Andrea, which has only happened once before. Who knew a yarn cake holder that goes on your wrist so you can walk and knit would be such a hit. Lori didn't even know what it was but Andrea was pleased enough for both of them.

With my house as clean as it ever gets, the weekend was my oyster. I know that some laundry got done and I talked to a few friends but otherwise can't tell you what I did all weekend. I didn't cook because I had leftover Chinese food. Hmm.... puttering. Yeah, that's the ticket. At least I can't blame my lack of ambition on numbness. That went away with the tears I had finally shed. I'll always miss Hazel and this quote from a book I'm reading (The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store - can't say I'd recommend it) sums it up exactly. 

"She was gone. Just like that. And the absence of her meant a thousand tomorrows empty of whatever promise they once had."

I read this in the wee hours Saturday night when I was awake thinking of Hazel and so had to read to shut my mind off. I cried into my pillow.