Thursday, March 14, 2024

Week 10 - Finally Some Tears

Everyone says grief has its own time table and you never know when it will hit. It hit on Tuesday. Finally.

I was 3.5 hours into a 4 hour zoom on our F&A project when I realized that Rosie was sleeping on the pillow on the file crate under my desk that was still there from when I was elevating after my foot surgery. While feeling good about her wanting to be so close to me, I headed to the bathroom. When Goodie came charging in because she wanted me to run the faucet in the tub, I realized Hazel wouldn't be coming in too and the tears started. I knew it was going to be bad but splashed water on my face and went back to the zoom, crying with the camera off and sound muted. I made it to the end and then completely lost it. I was sobbing in my chair and continued for the next hour. When I went back to my computer to finish my work day, it was with burning eyes and a fuzzy head.

I cried more over the course of the afternoon and evening but hopefully the numbness left with the tears. I had a quiet evening of knitting while watching knitting YouTubes but I could tell I'd be fragile for a bit yet. Better fragile than numb.

I'd worked on campus on Monday and was pretty much all alone in the office but had a lovely chat with Layton. As usual, I'd packed in stuff on Wednesday so had lunch with Lana, Cindy and Erica at Bison Witches and a movie after work - The Zone of Interest. Odd movie but worth seeing. Anyway, the fragility was still there because after making a snarky comment to Brook during our team meeting, I apologized to him after lunch and was instantly in tears. Of course he hadn't even registered the snark so I guess my apology wasn't necessary. It begs the question - why do men rule the world? So clueless.

I was presenting at BCUG (Business Community Users Group) on Thursday morning and was ridiculously nervous for being on a zoom talking about something I know like the back of my hand. Fragility again? I got my favorite grab & go lunch then did some mad neatizing after work and baked a banana cake for the birthday dinner I was hosting on Friday for Andrea and Lori.

Their birthdays are a week apart and we usually celebrate one night between them at BW's in Ashland but Andrea was going out of town so we were doing it sooner. Lori had made a hair appointment in Wahoo so it was Chinese at my house, which is the only local option for a vegan (Lori) and a devout Catholic (Andrea) on a Friday during Lent. I used 2 stray vacation hours (I like my vacation bank to be in full days) so was off work at 3:00. After I did some final cleaning, they arrived at 4:00. We knitted and chatted then enjoyed dinner and cake. My gift got a squeal out of Andrea, which has only happened once before. Who knew a yarn cake holder that goes on your wrist so you can walk and knit would be such a hit. Lori didn't even know what it was but Andrea was pleased enough for both of them.

With my house as clean as it ever gets, the weekend was my oyster. I know that some laundry got done and I talked to a few friends but otherwise can't tell you what I did all weekend. I didn't cook because I had leftover Chinese food. Hmm.... puttering. Yeah, that's the ticket. At least I can't blame my lack of ambition on numbness. That went away with the tears I had finally shed. I'll always miss Hazel and this quote from a book I'm reading (The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store - can't say I'd recommend it) sums it up exactly. 

"She was gone. Just like that. And the absence of her meant a thousand tomorrows empty of whatever promise they once had."

I read this in the wee hours Saturday night when I was awake thinking of Hazel and so had to read to shut my mind off. I cried into my pillow. 


Week 9 - Still Just Numb

It was a week. I went through it like a zombie, still numb about Hazel. I did all kinds of things but with limited enthusiasm. Still haven't broken through the shock.

I did cry for the first time on Monday. We were having spinning at Nan's in Fremont, postponed from her last minute cancel on Presidents' Day, and I'd volunteered to bring beer. I did a gas/beer run at lunch and then stopped at The Warehouse. When Cindy, the clerk I always chat with, asked me how I was, I told her about Hazel and shed a few tears. Those were really the first ones. I blew my nose and went right back to numb.

Work was busy, which was a good thing. It was a training week so I spent 2 afternoons on that plus there was another 4 hour zoom on the F&A project. Wednesday was my usual campus day and I had an impromptu lunch with Darla, who was taking the afternoon off, at HF Crave. I was back on campus Friday because I'd planned lunch with Helen. I made blondies before work and she made cheesy broccoli soup and cornbread. It was fun and made it worth coming in on a Friday, when I was pretty much alone in the office.

It was warm all week (80 on Monday, which broke the all time record) but still way too early for gardening and I wanted outside on the weekend. I started by breaking up the window that had been part of my old potting bench and getting that into the trash can then I started cutting weed trees that grew from the huge trees I had cut down early last year between my garage and my neighbor's fence. Many had resprouted and lots were on my neighbor's side of the fence so I cut from both sides, throwing everything over into my yard. After that, I was sweaty and tired so was inside for the rest of Saturday. Sunday was my typical chore day with some cooking and baking (cookies to take to knitting).

Rosie was getting no love from my cats, who were still full on hissing and growling, despite her trying to be friends. I was making an effort to give her some extra love because, truth be told, I wasn't feeling good about having gotten her. Goodie still seemed completely unaffected by Hazel being gone and wasn't giving Rosie the time of day. I took off Rosie's goofy color with the bell and flower and that felt right (I've never had collars on my cats). I know it'll just take time but it was going slower than I'd hoped and I was beginning to question the wisdom of having adopted her so soon.

So I went through the week like a robot - feeling nothing and going through the paces. I'm still missing Hazel so much and send some love for her into the universe every night when I go to bed.  I'm ready for time to be healing some wounds already! 

Sunday, March 3, 2024

Week 8 - Goodbye Hazel Babe

How has this happened again? How am I facing the death of another cat who I have to assume was hit by a car on my relatively quiet street? I cannot begin to comprehend the injustice of the universe that I'm dealing with this again.

When Gansey was hit and killed last summer, I fostered the litter of kittens to help me cope with the grief. With my other 2 cats being elderly, I kept two of them so they could be playmates and grow old together. It was a joy to watch them together and I looked forward to many years of them in my life.

I have always believed that cats are happier when they're allowed outdoors and other than when I lived in a 3rd floor apartment in Providence, my cats have always gone in and out. Because of Gansey being hit, I was careful to train Goodie and Hazel to stay in the backyard. I wouldn't even get the mail if they were outside lest they follow me out front. I thought they were safe and didn't worry about them being outside because they were always in the backyards of my house or my neighbor's and even when they ventured across the alley, they always came running when I called and always from behind the house.

It had been warm enough outside that I was able to leave the sliding door open so they could come and go all day. I was working from home on Thursday and realized mid-morning that I hadn't seen Hazel in awhile and Goodie was sleeping alone on the back of the chair. Thinking nothing of it, I called her from the back door. She always came but sometimes with a 5 minute delay but when she didn't come, I called again. Nothing. She had gotten locked in Cara's garage on Monday and was throwing herself at the door and meowing up a storm so I ventured over there but heard nothing. Then I turned to leave and saw her at the corner of Cara's house. She was dead and stiff with not a mark on her. OMG!

All I can think of is that she followed the neighborhood cat who was on my deck that morning when he left. I've often seen him cross behind Cara's house and then go across the street. That's the corner where I found Hazel. So what are the chances that in most likely the first time she ever ventured into the street that she'd be hit? I don't live on a busy street and while people do drive too fast sometimes, which anyone living on any street can say, there aren't many cars on my street. She must have been hit by someone heading to work in the dark. She must have only been clipped and had internal injuries. If that theory is correct, she was trying to get back home but didn't make it. Or for all I know, she was born with something wrong with her heart or an artery and died from that. I'll never know but she's gone and I'm devastated.

Hazel had personality plus. I have never had a cat that let me pet her belly but Hazel loved it. I could pick her up on her back and she would stretch her arms above her head and her legs full length so I could pet her. She would jump into the bathroom sink first thing each morning and after getting a drink, she'd look for me to pet her while I was on the toilet. I'd then watch her do yoga stretches with her back legs as she ambled to the kitchen for breakfast. And that face! I would literally say "that face" (with a funky accent) while I loved on her. She was a hunter and killed too many sparrow but nothing topped when she brought a garter snake in and dropped it at my feet while I was on a zoom. She would jump on my laptop keyboard when she wanted out and several times sent messages when she hit just the right keys, including one to the man who does my snow removal. If we communicate via messenger, you probably got a Hazel text too.

I buried her next to Gansey beside the garage and was absolutely numb. I never broke down like I did with Gansey and barely cried. Hazel and Goodie were inseparable and brought so much joy to my life. I'd never had siblings before and watching them was a blast. They were either running around and getting into things or sleeping in a cuddle pile with cuteness overload. My number one concern was Goodie, who had never had a day of her life without Hazel by her side.

The afternoon of the day she died, Goodie sat in the middle of the backyard looking around but otherwise seems unaffected. But Hazel was the instigator of the pair while Goodie is more food motivated (since day one) and prone to inactivity. I immediately got with Becky, who gave me Gansey and the litter I fostered, to see if she had another cat Goodie's age who was available. She had a little black cat, who was born the same month and was the last unadopted cat from last year. I told her to save her for me and I'd take her when I was ready.

I took some time off on Thursday but worked Friday and when faced with a weekend with no plans, which is normally a good thing, I invited myself on a Lincoln run with Andrea on Saturday. I was still numb and not thinking straight but somehow ended up getting Rosie - the little black cat - on Saturday afternoon. I literally had to go back and check messages to see whose idea it was and it was mine. Clearly I wasn't thinking straight and it was too soon for sure but she was in my house so I had to deal. 

She came from a house full of cats so was reaching through the carrier bars towards Pixel as soon as I put her down in the kitchen. I intended to segregate her in the bathroom for a few days but she was pawing under the door for Pixel as soon as I let her out. I gave up and let her loose immediately. Of course my cats are all hating her, hissing galore but that's normal. Rosie jumped right onto my bed that night, which meant Goodie and Pixel, who always slept at my feet along with Hazel, were not on the bed. While I hadn't been beating myself up about the circumstances of Hazel's death (a total fluke as far as I'm concerned), I beat myself up about bringing a new cat in so quickly, further impacting Goodie.

I ended the week on a slightly higher note. I'd invited Lori to come for Sunday lunch (Chinese), an open house at the newly renovated President's House on the abandoned college campus in Wahoo and then a walk at the lake. I choked up many a time but still hadn't really cried. I only had Hazel since last summer but she had a piece of my heart and it was going to take a LONG time to get over her. Thanks for listening. Here are some of my favorite pics of Hazel, many with her sister Goodie.

Always touching.




She loved stretching out.




The FACE!


I will miss her forever.

Sunday, February 25, 2024

Week 7 - Fighting a Cold

It was a pretty uneventful week unless you count starting it with a cold. That impacted my week a bit.

I woke up Monday having dreamed of reconciling all night but dream reconciling so I was counting the embroidery motifs on a pair of inside out men's golf pants. Where does this stuff come from? The reconciling was because the week started with another 4 hours F&A zoom and some of my data wasn't reconciling. I had to keep muting and turning my camera off for coughing and nose blowing. I skipped knitting so as not to share my germs.

I woke up feeling even worse on Tuesday so took some sick time in the morning and then did Foundation reports in the afternoon. After making sure there would be a quorum, I skipped the library board meeting. Taking it easy helped because I woke up feeling quite a bit better on Wednesday morning.

I had crammed in the social events for Wednesday - lunch at Red Fox with Erica, the new Director of Accounting and a valentine's dinner with Anne and Rene in the dorms after work. Lunch, which was my first with Erica, was fun and it was good to catch up with Anne and Rene but the "valentine's dinner" was uninspired, the only special food being a few desserts.

I worked from home Thursday and the day went quickly between helping Cindy prep for a meeting, a Ripples zoom (professional development) at 2:00 and an IDM problem at the end of the day. I ran errands in town after work and was done for the day. 

I was working on campus on Friday and, as usual, had jammed in the social events. I started at Cook's Cafe at 7:00 a.m. for Darla's belated birthday breakfast (not too belated - her birthday was Sunday). At lunch, I was excited for a much postponed trip to the Chinese buffet with Layton. Alas, it was not as good as I remembered but lunch with Layton is always good. I took it for granted the first 20 years of Friday lunches before Covid. I thrifted a bit after work but found nothing. Time for the weekend!

The only thing on my calendar for the weekend was spinning in Fremont on Saturday. It was Back to Basics with the public invited so I baked some brownies to take. I made an effort to sit at different tables to chat with members, a few of whom I hadn't seen in awhile. We did a quick Goodwill and Aldi run before heading back home. It was a fun day.



Sunday was chores because there are always chores, right? The highlight of the day was it being warm enough to hang my sheets on the line. Not much else to say so here's a pic of my cute kittens. Enjoy.



Sunday, February 18, 2024

Week 6 - Final Birthday Celebrations

It was another week that started with a 4 hour zoom and it ended with another zoom that went past 5:00. I did grab some sunshine during a late lunch between them and Nan brought cherry pie and ice cream to knitting for, you guessed it, more birthday treats. Heidi's chickens had started laying again so I got a dozen of good eggs for the first time in a long time. I started Tuesday morning with boiled eggs and bread and butter soldiers. Yum.

I did two days in a row on campus - Wednesday and Thursday after Layton rescheduled our Friday lunch. On Wednesday, Brook bought me a mocha for my birthday (it just keeps giving!) and then Cindy, Lana and I went out for lunch at Lila Mae's Southern Kitchen. Cindy billed it as for both our birthdays since we had never gone out for hers in January. The shrimp and grits were wonderful. I met Darla after work for thrifting and Dollar Tree. She gave me a cute teapot for my birthday. This was the end of the week of birthday stuff. Promise.

My work week was full of data problems and working late, including on Friday (!), trying to figure it all out. I finished another pair of socks from the previous year and started up on the final pair I had hopes of finishing by the 15th. Otherwise, the highlight of the rest of the work week was when the scab finally fell off my foot on Friday morning. It had been uncomfortable for 4+ weeks and now there'd be hope for wearing some normal shoes. Yay! The white chicken chili I'd put in the crockpot made for a delicious end to the work week.

It was the monthly sale at the Estate Dispersal Store. Heidi was coming along but didn't want to be out all day so we got an early start on Saturday. I picked Heidi and Andrea up at 7:30 and we were at the Restore at 8:00. We had fun and found a few treasures but I'd gotten the time wrong for when EDS opened so we went to Goodwill and Aldi then back there. I only bought a baking rack (I haven't found anything there in a while) and we were home before noon. I picked up BK after dropping them off and had the whole afternoon free. I had hoped to sew but it was cloudy and cold so not warm enough for the craft room. I spent the afternoon knitting and streaming. Shocking, I know.

I woke up with a dry throat in the wee hours on Sunday and by morning, it was clear I had a cold. It was a low energy day for sure. I talked to Ginny, Carolyn and Deanne and followed the sun, reading in the front room in the afternoon and even sitting in my desk chair by the bar when that was the only direct sun in the house. This is only my 2nd cold since the pandemic but only 2 months past the last one. I hope this isn't a trend.

So my birthday was over for another year. I celebrated plenty, right? Here's to another year of fun. By next next birthday, I'll be retired. : )

Week 5 - My Birthday Week

My birthday was Thursday but I celebrated for days. As it should be.

The work week started with a 4 hour zoom on the F&A project and included 2 afternoons of training and a mess with monthly reports but ended with a water main break that meant I got to work from home on Friday instead of driving in. On the sole day I did go in (Wednesday, when everyone goes in), I maximized my birthday celebrations.

Cindy bought me a mocha at Starbuck's then I had lunch at Tico's with Anne and Rene. I had gloppy nachos, of course. After work was supper at Helen's for stroganoff and delicious chocolate cake from scratch. I left with a quarter of the cake so had more to enjoy. On my actual birthday, Thursday, Lorri and I had burgers for lunch at Chip's in Wahoo. It being the 1st of the month, I happily knitted on my new monthly challenge socks. It was a nice birthday, so far, but there was more to come.


Saturday was my birthday Omaha run with Andrea and Lori. We met at Vidlak's for my fave chicken fried steak breakfast. With full bellies, we headed to Imagiknit for some birthday discount yarn shopping. Between that and the yarn presents, I had a big pile of yarn, including a fun advent that came in a globe that I can reuse for scraps. Nice. I picked up donuts at Winchell's on the way to Lori's for tea and knitting. After hitting Walmart on the way home, I called it a lovely day and kept on knitting. Sunday was more knitting between chores because even birthdays don't stop laundry. I finished my first challenge sock and pulled out some old socks projects to finish before the 15th - the deadline for WIPs in my Socks from Stash group on Ravelry.

Great week, right? I have such wonderful friends and they made my birthday special. But it wasn't over yet. I had one more celebration to come so had that to look forward to. Yay!

Monday, February 12, 2024

Week 4 - Having Some Fun

This week was all about having fun around work. And I had lots of fun.

After working the morning at home Tuesday morning, I left for Lincoln to have lunch with my cousin. I wanted to eat at her house instead of a restaurant and had suggested grilled cheese and tomato soup, which she made. Delish and it's always fun to hang with Helen. From there I went to the foot doctor for the last time. Done with that! Now for the swelling to go down. I had arranged to stop at Rene's to pick something up and when she offered to make tea, I said yes and put in 2 hours of vacation time. We then called Anne and she came over, which saved me a trip to her house later. We had a lovely afternoon. It was a taste of what retirement will be. I hope.

Wednesday was a campus day, which I made the most of. Lana, Cindy and I went to Olive Garden for soup, salad and breadsticks lunch, which was delish. After working all afternoon, I left a bit early to meet Dodie at Costco. I needed a couple of things but the attraction was pizza and ice cream dinner, which is a bit of a tradition for us. We would have stayed longer but a 2 year old was pitching a fit at the next table so we got outa Dodge.

I worked from home the rest of the week and got a long overdue haircut Thursday morning. I put a pot roast on and had book club that night. I did have a snafu on my meds. With my meds still stuck in the mail, I had to have my doctor call in a 7 day prescription for 2 of my meds. Of course my new insurance denied to cover them because they'd just filled the ones stuck in the mail. They wanted $22 for 14 pills of old school meds - nothing new and fancy. Highway robbery but what choice did I have?

Friday was uneventful and it was time for the weekend. I had no plans outside of the house and my big plan was to go through the upstairs freezer and defrost the downstairs freezer. I got the upstairs freezer done but when the sun finally came out after lunch on Saturday after 10 days of gloom, I couldn't face being downstairs in the dark so instead I repotted some plants in the sun in my front room. It was lovely. 

I neatized Sunday morning in case Lorri stopped after church (she didn't) so the house was a bit cleaner than usual. The plan was still defrosting and I had borrowed a single burner from Rene so I could boil water for the basement freezer defrost and not have to go up and down the stairs. With the sun shining, I still couldn't face the basement so boiled the water upstairs and went up and down the stairs for a couple of hours. The freezer was done and that felt great. Meanwhile, I sat in the sun in the front room and read while drinking tea. I'd call that a nice Sunday afternoon. I finished the day finishing a pair of socks from early 2023 and watching PBS.

So all in all, it was a good week. Work was uneventful, I was done with the foot doc and I was productive at home. Add the fun, which I'll continue to include everywhere I can. Life is good!