Week 12 - Fun at Fiberpalooza

It was a much better week. Since I didn't end up bleeding, it almost had to be, right?

Work was the perfect amount of busy with projects between training, a Ripples zoom and a 3 hour F&A zoom to end the day Friday. I also had lunch with Dodie on Wednesday, which was my only day on campus for the week.

Thursday was the 4 year anniversary of the beginning of lockdown. Seems like yesterday. It was also the 4 week anniversary of Hazel's death. I'm still sad about that but Rosie is starting to settle in a bit more. Goodie is hissing less and starting to show some interest in playing, which Rosie is doing more of. Still a ways off but some progress.

The highlight of the week was Fiberpalooza - a fiber event in Winterset, Iowa. I missed it last year so told my friends I was absolutely going and asked who wanted to come with me. Anne, Rene and Andrea chimed in. Anne was driving in her much nicer car so Andrea and I drove down to Gretna to meet her and Rene and we drove from there. It's a small event in a junior high school but it was lots of fun. I showed restraint and only bought 3 skeins of sock yarn, a few mini skeins and a project bag made from 70's fabric. So fun!

There was a fiasco at the winding station though. Anne was having 2 skeins wound by one of the volunteers and the first one was fine but the second exploded off of the swift. It took 4 of us nearly 2 hours to untangle the mess. Anne was embarrassed for no reason and was a bit of a mess. We headed home on the scenic route, which was shorter but took about the same time as the interstate because of all the small towns. We stopped for ice cream in one of them, which was delish and a nice break. It was a fun day.

After such a busy Saturday, I had a relaxing day Sunday knitting, streaming and cooking a few things. It was a nice end to a decent week. Some spring weather would be nice. Hopefully some will get here soon.

Week 11 - A Cat Attack

No, not one of my cats. It was Andrea's psycho cat, Bajo.

Andrea left for a trip on Tuesday so I was on daily cat feeding duty. I went Wednesday before work and was still on campus by 8:00 (!) and went again before work Thursday, which was my 2nd day on campus. The attack happened on Friday. I was working from home so ran over mid morning and had to go onto the enclosed front porch for kitty litter to top off the box. Bajo followed me out there and I picked him up and chucked him back inside. A bit of a growl but no biggie. He scooted by me when I opened the kitchen door to leave and was waiting by the back door. When I tried to pick him up to throw him back into the kitchen, he attacked. It was SO fast and my fore arm was a bloody mess with a grazing bite along one side and a row of scratches along the other. I was bleeding like a stuck pig. I'll spare you the picture of the gore.

I went home and started cleaning it up. One wound on my hand bled for 2 hours and after consulting with my pharmacist cousin, I called my doctor to ask for a prescription for antibiotics. When you've had joint replacements, there's always concern that a cat bite will create an infection that will settle in your joints - knees for me. My doctor called in the Rx and I went to the pharmacy after work. It was Augmentin so I'd be had intestinal issues to look forward to.

On a nicer note, Thursday was Pi Day so to keep up my annual tradition, I made a small apple crumb pie to take to work, which was a hit with the few people who were in the office. Most people seem to do their 2nd day early in the week so there were only a few of us in. My reason for going in Thursday was Jessica, one of our old water aerobic instructors who we keep in touch with, was going to be in town and we were meeting at YiaYia's for a baby shower-ish thing. I had made cute baby socks for her and we'd all pitched in for a gift card because she and her partner are having twins so need double of everything. We had a great time and she loved the socks.

Saturday was spinning so I fed Bajo before heading to Fremont, keeping my distance for sure. It felt weird to be doing a Fremont run without Andrea, especially because it was the Estate Dispersal Store weekend. I didn't find anything there or at the Restore but found some brand new LLBean t-shirts at Goodwill before doing a huge stock up at Aldi. I was out of everything.

In an attempt to do something beyond chores and cooking on Sunday, I went downstairs after I made breakfast for lunch, which is a Sunday thing recently. I had hash with my eggs and that's as close as I got corned beef for St. Patrick's day but it'd do. Anyway, I made a cute project bag with a fat quarter I'd gotten at Dollar Tree. Cute, right?

Carolyn told me that eating a daily baked potato while on Augmentin would help minimize stomach issues so I set about cooking things to go with potatoes on Sunday. I was going with mashed potatoes but figured that'd work too. I made meatloaf, turkey casserole mix (2 small casseroles went into the freezer with stuffing on top but I kept a serving out to serve over potatoes lunch lady style), banana bread and Brussels sprouts. I has happy to be set for the coming week with food.

So quite a week. My arm was a mess and my intestines were still OK but Helen said the intestinal issues might take a couple of days to set in. I had high hopes that the potatoes would work but had already arranged to work from home on Monday instead of going in so I'd be closer to a bathroom. Wish me luck.

Week 10 - Finally Some Tears

Everyone says grief has its own time table and you never know when it will hit. It hit on Tuesday. Finally.

I was 3.5 hours into a 4 hour zoom on our F&A project when I realized that Rosie was sleeping on the pillow on the file crate under my desk that was still there from when I was elevating after my foot surgery. While feeling good about her wanting to be so close to me, I headed to the bathroom. When Goodie came charging in because she wanted me to run the faucet in the tub, I realized Hazel wouldn't be coming in too and the tears started. I knew it was going to be bad but splashed water on my face and went back to the zoom, crying with the camera off and sound muted. I made it to the end and then completely lost it. I was sobbing in my chair and continued for the next hour. When I went back to my computer to finish my work day, it was with burning eyes and a fuzzy head.

I cried more over the course of the afternoon and evening but hopefully the numbness left with the tears. I had a quiet evening of knitting while watching knitting YouTubes but I could tell I'd be fragile for a bit yet. Better fragile than numb.

I'd worked on campus on Monday and was pretty much all alone in the office but had a lovely chat with Layton. As usual, I'd packed in stuff on Wednesday so had lunch with Lana, Cindy and Erica at Bison Witches and a movie after work - The Zone of Interest. Odd movie but worth seeing. Anyway, the fragility was still there because after making a snarky comment to Brook during our team meeting, I apologized to him after lunch and was instantly in tears. Of course he hadn't even registered the snark so I guess my apology wasn't necessary. It begs the question - why do men rule the world? So clueless.

I was presenting at BCUG (Business Community Users Group) on Thursday morning and was ridiculously nervous for being on a zoom talking about something I know like the back of my hand. Fragility again? I got my favorite grab & go lunch then did some mad neatizing after work and baked a banana cake for the birthday dinner I was hosting on Friday for Andrea and Lori.

Their birthdays are a week apart and we usually celebrate one night between them at BW's in Ashland but Andrea was going out of town so we were doing it sooner. Lori had made a hair appointment in Wahoo so it was Chinese at my house, which is the only local option for a vegan (Lori) and a devout Catholic (Andrea) on a Friday during Lent. I used 2 stray vacation hours (I like my vacation bank to be in full days) so was off work at 3:00. After I did some final cleaning, they arrived at 4:00. We knitted and chatted then enjoyed dinner and cake. My gift got a squeal out of Andrea, which has only happened once before. Who knew a yarn cake holder that goes on your wrist so you can walk and knit would be such a hit. Lori didn't even know what it was but Andrea was pleased enough for both of them.

With my house as clean as it ever gets, the weekend was my oyster. I know that some laundry got done and I talked to a few friends but otherwise can't tell you what I did all weekend. I didn't cook because I had leftover Chinese food. Hmm.... puttering. Yeah, that's the ticket. At least I can't blame my lack of ambition on numbness. That went away with the tears I had finally shed. I'll always miss Hazel and this quote from a book I'm reading (The Heaven and Earth Grocery Store - can't say I'd recommend it) sums it up exactly. 

"She was gone. Just like that. And the absence of her meant a thousand tomorrows empty of whatever promise they once had."

I read this in the wee hours Saturday night when I was awake thinking of Hazel and so had to read to shut my mind off. I cried into my pillow. 

Week 9 - Still Just Numb

It was a week. I went through it like a zombie, still numb about Hazel. I did all kinds of things but with limited enthusiasm. Still haven't broken through the shock.

I did cry for the first time on Monday. We were having spinning at Nan's in Fremont, postponed from her last minute cancel on Presidents' Day, and I'd volunteered to bring beer. I did a gas/beer run at lunch and then stopped at The Warehouse. When Cindy, the clerk I always chat with, asked me how I was, I told her about Hazel and shed a few tears. Those were really the first ones. I blew my nose and went right back to numb.

Work was busy, which was a good thing. It was a training week so I spent 2 afternoons on that plus there was another 4 hour zoom on the F&A project. Wednesday was my usual campus day and I had an impromptu lunch with Darla, who was taking the afternoon off, at HF Crave. I was back on campus Friday because I'd planned lunch with Helen. I made blondies before work and she made cheesy broccoli soup and cornbread. It was fun and made it worth coming in on a Friday, when I was pretty much alone in the office.

It was warm all week (80 on Monday, which broke the all time record) but still way too early for gardening and I wanted outside on the weekend. I started by breaking up the window that had been part of my old potting bench and getting that into the trash can then I started cutting weed trees that grew from the huge trees I had cut down early last year between my garage and my neighbor's fence. Many had resprouted and lots were on my neighbor's side of the fence so I cut from both sides, throwing everything over into my yard. After that, I was sweaty and tired so was inside for the rest of Saturday. Sunday was my typical chore day with some cooking and baking (cookies to take to knitting).

Rosie was getting no love from my cats, who were still full on hissing and growling, despite her trying to be friends. I was making an effort to give her some extra love because, truth be told, I wasn't feeling good about having gotten her. Goodie still seemed completely unaffected by Hazel being gone and wasn't giving Rosie the time of day. I took off Rosie's goofy color with the bell and flower and that felt right (I've never had collars on my cats). I know it'll just take time but it was going slower than I'd hoped and I was beginning to question the wisdom of having adopted her so soon.

So I went through the week like a robot - feeling nothing and going through the paces. I'm still missing Hazel so much and send some love for her into the universe every night when I go to bed.  I'm ready for time to be healing some wounds already! 

Week 8 - Goodbye Hazel Babe

How has this happened again? How am I facing the death of another cat who I have to assume was hit by a car on my relatively quiet street? I cannot begin to comprehend the injustice of the universe that I'm dealing with this again.

When Gansey was hit and killed last summer, I fostered the litter of kittens to help me cope with the grief. With my other 2 cats being elderly, I kept two of them so they could be playmates and grow old together. It was a joy to watch them together and I looked forward to many years of them in my life.

I have always believed that cats are happier when they're allowed outdoors and other than when I lived in a 3rd floor apartment in Providence, my cats have always gone in and out. Because of Gansey being hit, I was careful to train Goodie and Hazel to stay in the backyard. I wouldn't even get the mail if they were outside lest they follow me out front. I thought they were safe and didn't worry about them being outside because they were always in the backyards of my house or my neighbor's and even when they ventured across the alley, they always came running when I called and always from behind the house.

It had been warm enough outside that I was able to leave the sliding door open so they could come and go all day. I was working from home on Thursday and realized mid-morning that I hadn't seen Hazel in awhile and Goodie was sleeping alone on the back of the chair. Thinking nothing of it, I called her from the back door. She always came but sometimes with a 5 minute delay but when she didn't come, I called again. Nothing. She had gotten locked in Cara's garage on Monday and was throwing herself at the door and meowing up a storm so I ventured over there but heard nothing. Then I turned to leave and saw her at the corner of Cara's house. She was dead and stiff with not a mark on her. OMG!

All I can think of is that she followed the neighborhood cat who was on my deck that morning when he left. I've often seen him cross behind Cara's house and then go across the street. That's the corner where I found Hazel. So what are the chances that in most likely the first time she ever ventured into the street that she'd be hit? I don't live on a busy street and while people do drive too fast sometimes, which anyone living on any street can say, there aren't many cars on my street. She must have been hit by someone heading to work in the dark. She must have only been clipped and had internal injuries. If that theory is correct, she was trying to get back home but didn't make it. Or for all I know, she was born with something wrong with her heart or an artery and died from that. I'll never know but she's gone and I'm devastated.

Hazel had personality plus. I have never had a cat that let me pet her belly but Hazel loved it. I could pick her up on her back and she would stretch her arms above her head and her legs full length so I could pet her. She would jump into the bathroom sink first thing each morning and after getting a drink, she'd look for me to pet her while I was on the toilet. I'd then watch her do yoga stretches with her back legs as she ambled to the kitchen for breakfast. And that face! I would literally say "that face" (with a funky accent) while I loved on her. She was a hunter and killed too many sparrow but nothing topped when she brought a garter snake in and dropped it at my feet while I was on a zoom. She would jump on my laptop keyboard when she wanted out and several times sent messages when she hit just the right keys, including one to the man who does my snow removal. If we communicate via messenger, you probably got a Hazel text too.

I buried her next to Gansey beside the garage and was absolutely numb. I never broke down like I did with Gansey and barely cried. Hazel and Goodie were inseparable and brought so much joy to my life. I'd never had siblings before and watching them was a blast. They were either running around and getting into things or sleeping in a cuddle pile with cuteness overload. My number one concern was Goodie, who had never had a day of her life without Hazel by her side.

The afternoon of the day she died, Goodie sat in the middle of the backyard looking around but otherwise seems unaffected. But Hazel was the instigator of the pair while Goodie is more food motivated (since day one) and prone to inactivity. I immediately got with Becky, who gave me Gansey and the litter I fostered, to see if she had another cat Goodie's age who was available. She had a little black cat, who was born the same month and was the last unadopted cat from last year. I told her to save her for me and I'd take her when I was ready.

I took some time off on Thursday but worked Friday and when faced with a weekend with no plans, which is normally a good thing, I invited myself on a Lincoln run with Andrea on Saturday. I was still numb and not thinking straight but somehow ended up getting Rosie - the little black cat - on Saturday afternoon. I literally had to go back and check messages to see whose idea it was and it was mine. Clearly I wasn't thinking straight and it was too soon for sure but she was in my house so I had to deal. 

She came from a house full of cats so was reaching through the carrier bars towards Pixel as soon as I put her down in the kitchen. I intended to segregate her in the bathroom for a few days but she was pawing under the door for Pixel as soon as I let her out. I gave up and let her loose immediately. Of course my cats are all hating her, hissing galore but that's normal. Rosie jumped right onto my bed that night, which meant Goodie and Pixel, who always slept at my feet along with Hazel, were not on the bed. While I hadn't been beating myself up about the circumstances of Hazel's death (a total fluke as far as I'm concerned), I beat myself up about bringing a new cat in so quickly, further impacting Goodie.

I ended the week on a slightly higher note. I'd invited Lori to come for Sunday lunch (Chinese), an open house at the newly renovated President's House on the abandoned college campus in Wahoo and then a walk at the lake. I choked up many a time but still hadn't really cried. I only had Hazel since last summer but she had a piece of my heart and it was going to take a LONG time to get over her. Thanks for listening. Here are some of my favorite pics of Hazel, many with her sister Goodie.

Always touching.

She loved stretching out.

The FACE!

I will miss her forever.